Infinite. :)

Snow + Vancouver + Halloween + Broomfield + Next year + Salvation Mountain = A very very happy Carrie Jo. :)

fuck.

that's all.

begin-

i don't know if i want to start school this fall

well isn't this nice.

i promised you i'd never give up

'if it makes you happy,
it can't be that bad,
if it makes you happy,
then why the hell are you so sad?'

i've got to call about my job in like two hours.
i need to shower and wash off yesterday's make up.
ugh. i hate sleeping in make up. but sometimes you
just can't help it. if you're me. which you aren't. damn.
i'm rambling. :)

God, i just waisted fifteen minutes.
i don't even remember what i've been doing.
i hate when that happens.

<3

give it back give it back give it back give it back give it back.

dot.

When I see pictures of myself from last year I feel like I'm staring at a stranger.

about my heart...

it's a little bruised but you can have it if you want.

Walls and such.

He didn't really do anything wrong. Not really.
Except for maybe choosing to not to anything wrong with me.
The girl who can't trust worth shit and convinced myself that,
at fourteen, even when I said no it wasn't rape because he's your seventeen-year-old boyfriend, which makes it okay.
I'm the girl who's more scars than skin in some places.


It's funny, the first guy I decide to give a crumb of my heart to in two and a half years is the one that's catching shit because of my past.

Why am I so fucked up? Did I do it to myself? Probably. I guess maybe I deserved it.
Whatever.

:)

Who else am I going to live in a shitty apartment with and eat cold chinese food and drive across the country and paint and have inside jokes with?

Inside-,

I feel like there a tornado spinning around.

Yesterday I discovered how awful my trust issues actually are. While contemplating that I also realized that my personality is a cross between Shelby Merrick (of Higher Ground) and Rayanne Graff (of My So Called Life). And after that thought flitted across my mind I couldn't help but think about how painfully true it is.

We'll take Shelby first:

"I once thought I loved a guy, who only hurt me."

"I am so tired of hating you. So this is the end, no more hate, no more anger. Just some justice."

"I don't want to do the wrong thing, my whole life I've done the wrong thing."

"Every day I stand in the shower and I think, 'What a waste'. Because I'll never get clean."

(while making out with her boyfriend, Scott) "How come every time I wanna talk all you wanna do is this?" -Scott// "Well, this is so much more fun." -Shelby (she doesn't want to talk because she doesn't want him to know about her past, which is where the conversations always try to lead to.)

"You're wearing a mask." -Daisy// "That's a good one coming from Goth girl." -Shelby// "My mask was an honest one for all the world to see. Yours is invisible." -Daisy

"What are you doing in here?" -Daisy// "Hiding." -Shelby// "From what?" -Daisy// "Life." -Shelby

Rayanne:

"I've never really hurt somebody this bad before. Hard to believe, but I guess you can't really hurt someone this bad...unless you really meant something to them...."

"Sometimes I feel like numb or something." -Rayanne// "Maybe you just haven't found the right type of person." -Sharon// "I've tried every type of person." - Rayanne

"Potential slut. Now where do people get an idea like that about me?"

"Did you ever try to protect someone so much that it, like, hurt?" -Rickie about Rayanne

"See, when I look at myself I see everything in slow motion and I think 'Something has to happen', only it never does. So I have to make it happen."

It only hurts when I remember that I miss you.

& I wish saying sorry was enough.

I'd say it a hundred times a day if

it made any difference at all. :(

I want my best friend back. SO bad.